thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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