I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
