it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I need a beard to bite.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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