Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
