Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
