well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
