You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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