Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
