I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
