I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
