After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
