Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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