Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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