i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
