This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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