Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
