nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
