between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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