Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
