im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
