Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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