Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
