My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
