I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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