I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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