i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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