I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
