my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I need to sanitize my soul.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
