Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
