dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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