dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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