Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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