I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
