It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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