you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
