I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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