I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I know her cup size but not her name....
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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