my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
