my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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