I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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