Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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