Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
