Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
