You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
