his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
