i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
