she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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