First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
