his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
