she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
