ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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