i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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