Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Sorry about my life...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
