I'm lost and stupid without you.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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