It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
