Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
