Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Your dad touched me again.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You ruined the universe
Randomize
