If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We need a shit load of segways right now
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
