I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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