what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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